Who and Why

posted 05 May 2002


Why the guilt,
why the shame,
why the constant endless pain?

Is it right
that they sleep at night,
not knowing they've condemned me?

Why must I
feel I should die
to satisfy another's plan?

Who are they
to look at me,
and pronounce upon what is right?

Who's to say
that I have come
from the dark or from the light?

Why must I
judge myself
upon the empty words of others?

Why am I
not strong enough
to stand up with the others?

Why does every
backward glance,
every moment's brief distraction,
in my mind
grow many times
to a storm of violent action?

Why do I
feel constant eyes,
watchful, judgeful on my back?

Every devious thing I do,
another hour
on the rack.

Surely retribution's coming,
marked up in a tally book,
waiting for a final slip, an evil thought, a misplaced look.

Why must I
take heed of them,
why can I not cast aside
a thousand years
of bigotry
and hatred taken from the sky?

And why must I
be the unknown
that draws a fear in every heart,
why must I
be all alone,
torn from what I was once a part?

The evil thought
comes up to me:
if I were to fall back to grace,
I feel that I
would be as them,
I'd have that sneer upon my face.

I'd hate me for being
what I am,
I'd swallow all the bigotry,
I'd beat and kick
and kill and scream
for just a look upon my face.

Who am I
to judge of them,
to judge of those who judge of me?
I know that I
would be as them
if I were not what I must be.

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Anywhere but Here

posted 05 May 2002


I'm an ordinary boy,
Acting in the normal way,
But I'm just not quite dull enough
I sure as hell don't feel the same

Don't know who wants to be like who
It seem to change from day to day
One day I seem to be so cool
The next they say my life is lame

Screw them, life sucks
The world's a pain
Come on, get lost inside my brain
You'll find it's so much better
In the world inside my mind

Come on, give up, you silly pup,
This universe is lost to us
But this one's not the only one
Be anywhere but here

Come see my dreams
And feel my thoughts
Much better than that flick you bought
Georgie boy would kill to see
The scenes my little mind has wrought

You see him fly around the screen,
But nobody would fly like that,
They'd fly by anti-gravity
And twist and turn
Like this and that,
Of course they'd swoop around the sky
No straight lines,
Where's the fun in that?

I know because I fly all day,
Inside the theatre of my brain
I reach the stars and feel the pain
And shatter in a thousand shards.
And every shard falls back to earth,
A glowing piece of silver
With a mission in its mind
And its own private existence.

Follow that crystal as it falls,
A knife of bright reflected light,
It's falling slowly back to earth
But then it stops and starts to rise
It folds out like a flower
Or a glowing silver spider
Getting larger ever faster
And as gorgeous as a dream.

The spider gets more complicated
And legs turn into wings
And now there is an angel there
Sitting in the night-black sky.

But now it all falls back to earth,
The dreamworld pops and now I'm worse
I'm not flying any more,
I'm not a silver angel,
But a dirty messed-up lump of flesh.
They say be happy with yourself.

I'm very happy with myself,
I'm just not happy with the world
My self's a constant changing mesh,
With a brain to match the best,
Solving all my problems
As I divest my thoughts of flesh

My brain controls all energy,
It shapes it to my will,
I hit back at those who hurt me
With hot and solid beams of light.

The lights go out, my lids snap up
And now I'm back again to here,
This boring, hard unfeeling world
Where I don't mean an awful deal.

I slip back to MY universe
Where I'm always at the heart of things
I have the power, the attention
I have the love, and everything.

Back in the world that you call real
The ones who hurt me still hold sway,
The ones who hate me have their way,
My problems there don't go away
And life is just unfair.

Why live there when I have my mind,
Where all my friends are good and kind
And numerous, and I feel loved
And I can solve my problems
By changing the whole world.

In my world when I see a stream
I dive and twist and suddenly
I am a fish,
A salmon or a dolphin
Swimming fast and free

A swimming creature with no name,
I revel in the feel of water
And I don't need to care
Where I'm going or what I'm doing
Or how I'm going to get there

I just twist and thrust and suddenly
I find I'm where I want to be
By base instinct or memory
Or thinking where I want to be

And then I'm back in the real world,
With all new problems now unfurled
I don't want to be here
And I don't have to be

Screw them, life sucks
The world's a pain
Come on, get lost inside my brain
You'll find it's so much better
In the world inside my head

Come on, give up, you silly pup,
This universe is lost to us
But this one's not the only one
Be anywhere but here



I'm just an ordinary boy, ordinary-looking, ordinary feeling, ordinary-acting. Not ordinary enough. I don't think quite the same as them, I don't feel quite the same as them, I don't feel I'm a part of them and they sure as hell feel that they're not part of me. I don't know who wants to be like who -- it seems to change from day to day. One day I'm cool and they follow me lead, the next I'm lame and it me who follows them. Screw them, life sucks, the world's a pain, come on get lost inside my brain, come see my dreams and feel my thoughts better than any blockbuster movie. You see him fly around the screen, that's dumb, nobody would fly like that, they'd fly by aid of gravity and twist and turn like this and that, they'd swoop 'cause it's fun and they know it. I know because I fly all day inside the theatre of my brain I reach the stars and feel the pain and shatter in a thousand shards and every shard falls back to earth, a glowing piece of silver with a mission and a mind and its own private existence. Follow that crystal there as it falls, a silver knife that catches the light, it's falling slowly back to earth but then it stops and starts to rise and it folds out like a flower or a glowing silver spider getting larger ever faster and always looking cool. The spider gets more complicated and legs turn into wings and now there is an angel sitting in the sky. But it all falls back to earth, the dream collapses and I'm back in the real world. I'm not flying any more, I'm no silver angel I'm a dirty imperfect lump of flesh and they tell me to be happy with myself. I am happy with myself I'm just not happy with the world. My self is a constant changing animal, a superhuman android with a brain to match the best, solving all my problems as I divest my thoughts of flesh, my brain controls all energy, it shapes it to my will, I hit back at those who hurt me with hot, solid beams of light. The lights go out, my eyes open and I'm back again to here, this boring, hard unfeeling world where I don't mean a great deal. I slip back to MY universe where I'm always at the heart of things I have the power and attention I have the love I have everything. Back in the world that you call real the ones who hurt me still hold sway, the ones who hate me have their way, my problems there don't go away and life is just unfair. Why live there when I have my mind, where all my friends are good and kind and numerous and I feel loved and I change my problems by changing the world. In my world when I see a stream a I can leap in and twist and suddenly I am a fish, a salmon or a dolphin or swimming creature with no name, I revel in the feel of water and I don't need to care where I'm going or what I'm doing or how I'm going to get there, I just swim and twist and dive and thrust and suddenly I'm where I want to be by instinct by memory by saying "here is where I want to be". And then I'm back in the real world, and I want to be anywhere but here.


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