Smallville: the obsessive line-by-line, part 2

posted 14 October 2004

Woohoo! Another line-by-liner. We'll see how well this episode goes. Episode 1 I've already line-by-lined, episode 2 was decent, episode 3 was *dreadful*, a freak-of-the-week, pathetic-Lana-filled filler of an episode. Here's hoping for better. As usual, spoilers from the start, so stop reading now if you intend to see this show.

  • Ok, so... Clark's on the team. Fans of nerdy-Clark are going apeshit.
  • Mmmm. Football team == cute.
  • Ok, so the cheerleaders are evil and have kryptonite-laced gatorade love potion. Haven't people in Smallville learnt to be wary of that particular shade of green by now? Because, honestly, *we* all know that colour means trouble.
  • Okay, so insanely jealous lover goes apeshit with shotgun! This is entertaining, if totally whacked out.
  • Wow, more slow-mo bullet-time action than strictly necessary, and heat-vision in the first 2 minutes! Still ambivalent, but this might be a good episode.
  • Credits.
  • You know, Annette O'TOole looks really good for her age. Assuming she's old.
  • Whoa, great excuse for Lana-boy (I have yet to come up with an effective nickname) to get his shirt off.
  • Too much exposition in your apology, cutie. Mmm, implied sex.
  • Lois continues to be a pain in the ass. Good!
  • LOL @ the colours joke, but really, he *shouldn't* wear yellow.
  • He's v. cute though.
  • Okay, these cheerleaders are ridiculous. As is the guy holding the mirror.
  • Running gag! Running gag! Colours all the way.
  • Tight-end joke too obvious.
  • Does the crazy boy have amnesia? That's a bit early in the episode, surely.
  • Chloe is in full hurt-and-vulnerable mode. What's with the soft focus?
  • Oh my *god* these team members are hot.
  • That was the least convincing "angry" look ever.
  • Lex looks totally out of place. Why is he donating to the football team?
  • PHWOAR at Lex surrounded by hot naked men! This is *so* homoerotic it's unreal.
  • How does a multimillionaire have time to give a pep talk to a hick football team?
  • My favourite shot this episode: Lana's uber-cute boy, framed by a hottie's nipple. Oh yes, we love this show.
  • Did somebody oil down the entire team? Are the showers full of crisco?
  • Oh, it's a pathetic attempt to buy friendship. Lame.
  • If he's the assistant coach, where the hell is the coach coach? How come we never see him?
  • Chloe drinks evil green shit and... falls in love with Clark! Oh, FFS.
  • And quits the torch. And admits her love for Clark. And devotes herself totally. Okay, this episode is lame.
  • Crazy, CRAZY Chloe!
  • Lois continues to be very good at wearing low-rider jeans, mediocre at acting.
  • Crazy cheerleaders versus Lois! What is it about all of these girls that reminds me of Christina Aguilera?
  • "The love molecule"? Oh jesus. I can see this episode's pseudo-science is going to be particularly hard to swallow.
  • Chloe is going to jump Clark! This has cringe-potential.
  • She's coming across as totally pathetic instead of seductive.
  • Whoa. Did they get permission to include 20% more sex this season?
  • Hang on, did I miss something? What did he do to her?
  • Oh, and sometimes we *also* think you'll never be over Lana, Clark. But we live in hope.
  • Did Bo and Martha go to a marriage-counselling session recently, or is Smallville just on heat?
  • "Save the day" for this episode's dose of foreshadowing.
  • Bo and Clark attempt to bond. Unconvincing.
  • Ooh, Ken-doll! I'll call him Ken-doll!
  • Ken-doll is coming on too strong *now*? Now you think it's too strong, and flying *around the world and taking a different job* for you wasn't too strong?
  • Oh, great set-up for tension between Clark and Ken... not.
  • Whooooooooooooooooooa cringeworthy Chloe! And whoa chubby arms!
  • Lois still == sexy.
  • Clark drinks kryptonite and... decides to continue?
  • So you go *near* kryptonite, and you nearly die, but you *drink* it and you're okay?
  • Clark gets ass kicked in photo-montage while Chloe remains totally annoying.
  • Feeder plays the soundtrack while Clark remains slow to catch on.
  • Clark gets ass kicked by crazy-jealous ken doll. Kal-El bleeds, folks! This only happens every 3rd episode!
  • Oh, FFS. What the hell is Lex doing in the barn?
  • Oh, so his body rejects the kryptonite? Good.
  • Hmmm, too much exposition again, but a nice summary of why Lex loves Clark so much.
  • Martha Stewart joke! HA!
  • Wheee! Pseudo-science! Ridiculous.
  • Lois fails to catch on to the fact that Clark somehow knows they added meteor rock, but she *does* pick up that Clark's not got sick? Yay selective blindness! I hope it works when Clark starts wearing glasses.
  • HUGE THUMBS UP to Clark in a swimsuit!
  • Um... hula-ing guys are bizarre. And Clark's not sexy in a t-shirt. Take it off! Take it all off!
  • Worst opening line ever. And the worst fake-acting ever. Mmmm, Clark's abs.
  • Yay for sudden teenage sex. Yep, they've definitely upped their rating for this season.
  • Heee at Clark actually falling for the compliment! Funny.
  • This is funny. Very funny.
  • AWWWW at the virgin clark! Wait, when does Superman have sex for the first time?
  • Oh, this acting is terrible. Quick, get naked to distract from it!
  • Yeah, like Clark isn't enjoying this at all.
  • Oh, we're not bored at all. Clark is having sex in one room, and Chloe is wailing on Lois in the next!
  • He doesn't look that happy to be rescued.
  • Great, heat kills it! We should have worked it out earlier.
  • Meanwhile, during exposition-hour, the bad guy has escaped.
  • Mmmmmmmmm Clark versus the sexy meat. Apart from that fat one in the bad shirt.
  • Wait, did Lois just *ask* Clark to use his powers?
  • Cue the beginnings of Lois's suspicions!
  • And Lex continues to be lame and conciliatory. I preferred evil Lex.
  • What, so it just *WORE* *OFF*? No dousing the team in hot steam?
  • Ken doll is *really* hot.
  • And Clark has suspicions.
  • Look, it's a token non-white person! Why, that was nearly 2 seconds!
  • Oh boy, heroic football shit. Why the hell is Lex there?
  • So, when exactly does it become impressive that he can throw the ball that far? *HE'S SUPERMAN*, people!
  • Lamest celebration "woo" ever.
  • Mmmmm, blue. Totally his colours.
  • More "superhero" foreshadowing shite.
  • Chloe apologizes for being crazy... and we're trying to forget this ever happened.
  • She's trying honesty! Novel.
  • Same stupid crushed expression we've got too used to.
  • "Superhero and journalist" is *good* foreshadowing.
  • Awww, the tears and the smile... Chloe in a single expression.
  • And Lois is buggering off!
  • Oh, the chemistry. It's so pathetically obvious.
  • But she does call him "Smallville", which will satisfy the purists.

Okay, in summary: pretty neutral. Lots and lots of hot boys, which they seem to have identified as a popular ingredient, positive. "Kryptonite makes X super-effective" cookie-cutter plot, negative. Character development: nothing to speak of. Nobody got amnesia: positive. Pseudo-science not egregriously offensive: positive. Minimal Lana time: positive. But having a lack of bad things doesn't make it a good episode.

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