I love Apple trailers

posted 09 February 2004

Everything I know about upcoming movies I know from downloading two-minute clips from Apple's quicktime trailers site. And trailer-editing is an unsung art: even though a large number of the movies are clearly bombs or not to my taste, it's hard to find a trailer there that isn't entertaining in and of itself. This probably says bad, bad things about my attention span. Nevertheless, taking the practice of judging a book by its cover to the logical extreme, I prevent my reviews, in five words or less, of a selection of upcoming movies.

And no, I didn't watch all of these tonight; that would have taken hours...

Club Dread
Big-budget weekend at Bernie's.
Scooby Doo 2
Do the Doo.
Van Helsing
Wolverine fights the vampires. Yummy.
Boundin'
It's Pixar. It must rock.
Garfield
Inevitable franchise deal.
Cheaper by the Dozen
Young superman's movie debut. Crap.
Catch that Kid
Spy Kids clone. Crap.
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
There was no need.
The Incredibles
More joy from Pixar.
Shrek 2
Probably will rock.
21 Grams
Interesting title, stupid movie.
Osama
Documentary, not about Bin Laden.
Kill Bill Volume II
Bring it on!
The Butterfly Effect
Ashton Kutcher tries to act.
Sky Captain and the world of Tomorrow
Kicks nine kinds of ass.
Troy
Just enough Bloom to perform.
Dawn of the Dead
Poor remake of B-movie.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Gamers still like boobs.
Hellboy
Bizarre but maybe cool.
Laws of Attraction
James Bond tries rom-com. Unoriginal.
Elephant
Cute people in disturbing story.
Twisted
By-the-numbers thriller.
Win a date with Tad Hamilton
Sexy versus geeky, no loser!
Eurotrip
Stupid but maybe funny.
The Passion of the Christ
The Ending of the Career
Monster
Heavy going.
Spider-Man 2
Eye-candy and popcorn fun.
The Reckoning
Well-acted and powerful. Avoid.
Spartan
Contrived, unoriginal.
Confessions of a teenage drama queen
Clich├ęd Disney flick. Not gay.
Touching the void
Overdramatic macho docu-shite.
Intermission
Tedious lock-stock britflick clone.
Son of the Mask
Takes after his dad. Bomb.
The Ladykillers
Shit. (Tom Hanks and Marlon Wayans in the same movie?)
Dust to Glory
Another self-gratifying macho docudrama.
The Return
Worthy drama, in Russian.
Breaking all the Rules
Booty Call 2 meets Stella.
Godzilla
Flogging the dead horse.
King Arthur
Arthur meets Gladiator's FX department.
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