Surreality calling

posted 12 February 2007

I arrived home this evening, and pleased myself by finally managing to get the transition from my iPod to my iPod stereo seamless, so that the music went from my headphones to the whole room without stopping. These are the little things, folks. Over the noise of Panic At The Disco I become aware that my landline is ringing. Now, since I only got this line 3 days ago and nobody knows about it, I know this has to be a telemarketer. But hey, I answer it anyway. This is the conversation that ensued:

Nasal-Voiced Telemarketer: Hello, may I speak to Mr. Laurie Voss please?
Me: Speaking.
NVT: Hi, I'm calling from the Dish Network. I believe you just moved into your new place?
Me: Yes, that's right
NVT: Well, we're offering a special right now of free installation of equipment. The service is $29.99 a month and for that you get 100 channels including 10 movie channels. But for the first 10 months you'll get it for $19.99 a month

Now, this is actually not bad, and also, I need some sort of TV in the house other than the basic cable which the building has and I, for complicated reasons, cannot change. So I was actually already considering signing up for either DirecTV or the Dish Network. DirecTV have already called me, so I know their prices, so it's time to do a comparison.

Me: Well, that sounds interesting. Do I get a PVR with that?
NVT: Why yes, we do give you a PVR with that. There is a service charge with that but it's just $5 a month and it's already set up for two TVs. How many TVs do you own, sir?
Me: Actually, I don't have any TVs at the moment. I was hoping to plug it into the back of my computer and get it that way.
NVT (sounding a bit confused by this): Well, we also offer fast Satellite Internet Access, sir. Would you like to hear about that?
Me: Yes, indeed. How fast is it?
NVT: Well, it's 1.5 emm-bee-pee-ess, and...
Me: Oh, never mind, that's not fast enough.
NVT: I'm sorry?
Me: I already have six.
NVT: I'm sorry? This is 1.5 emm-bee-pee-ess, sir.
Me: Yes, I know, and I already have 6 megabits from somebody else.
NVT: But this is 1.5 emm-bee-pee-ess.
Me: Yes, I understand, and 6Mbps is faster than 1.5Mbps
NVT (pauses for a moment, then gives a condescending little laugh): Ha ha, sir... smaller numbers are faster.
Me: What?
NVT: 1.5 emm-bee-pee-ess is faster than 6 emm-bee-pee-ess
Me: I'm sorry? No, that's not true.
NVT: Sir, it really is.
Me: No, I'm really sure it's not. I work for an Internet company. I promise you I know that 6 megabits is faster than 1.5 megabits.
NVT (in a skeptical voice): You work for an Internet company, sir? Which one?
Me: Yahoo.
NVT (in a confused voice): Yahoo? Are they an Internet provider?
Me: We're the largest Internet company in the world, actually... but look, are you really going to tell me that 1.5 megabits if faster than 6 megabits? Because if that's the case then we really can't continue this conversation.*
NVT: Well, yes.
Me: All right then. Goodbye.

I mean... honestly. Are they really calling innocent people up and telling them that "smaller numbers are better" as a sales pitch? Because if so these people really need to have their asses sued. As it is, I'm not sure I'm going to bother getting satellite TV, but if I do, I'm definitely not getting it from those rude, lying weasels at the Dish Network.

In other news...

My back was very painful all day today and the percocet I've been prescribed for the pain (along with handfuls of advil) makes me completely loopy. Work is hilarious at the moment, especially the first 2 hours after I take my pill. My bank account has still not been set up, so I'm getting steadily more pissed off with Citibank, but my social security number finally arrived, so I officially Exist. Yay!

* Or second largest, depending which metric you use. But her tone of voice implied she'd never heard of us.