Smallville: the obsessive line-by-line

posted 24 September 2004

The first episode of the new season has arrived! Oh frabjous day! There's loads of spoilers after this point so if you're planning to see it STOP READING NOW. This review style is shamelessly stolen from Television Without Pity, including calling Jonathan Kent "Bo" and giving it a grade at the end. This is too much fun not to do.

  • This episode is all about the Naked Clark.
  • This is by no means a bad thing
  • Nice reference to Lois' previous chain-smoking 1980s persona. I'm liking Lois so far: she's pushy and annoying, the way a Lois should be
  • What is Lex doing in Egypt? Shades of comic-book inconsistency
  • Loving the red blanket. Good idea.
  • Totally loving the butt-shot of Clark. And so is the Chinese grandmother. This show is ALL ABOUT HIS ASS
  • It's amazing how Paris looks a lot like Chicago with bad props
  • New love interest is pretty damn cute. But there's way too much plot exposition in this conversation.
  • What is Martha reading? Oh, Huck Finn. Good "come back to haunt us" reference.
  • Chloe is dead. This is a very silly plot twist that I hope goes away. Although it does explain why Chloe doesn't come from the comic-book canon; they always planned to kill her
  • The nicorette product-placement is pointless
  • As the final revenge for all those amnesiac ex bad-guys he left littered around the landscape, now Clark has amnesia. Oh, sweet irony!
  • Back to Egypt, which looks a lot like Arizona with bad props
  • "Footprints in the sand" is current running contender for cheesiest line of the show
  • How did they park a jet on a cliff? How is it managing to take off from a cliff?
  • Oh, Lex is now a chemical-dependent monster now. VERY comic-book twist. The amount of ridiculous shit they've had to pump into this episode to close the plot holes in last year's season closer is ridiculous.
  • Clark hates Bo! Oh, you broke your picture.
  • And now you broke your statue! Luckily, there's an incredibly annoying buzzy crystal inside! It's like the free prize in cereal boxes.
  • Oh, angry driven Kal-El is soooooo much sexier than confused Kal-El
  • THE FLYING EFFECTS ARE AWESOME is this going to happen every time he takes off?
  • "I thought brass-rubbing was code for something else" is new cheesiest line, but I'm liking new Sassy Lana.
  • The only person who has the same personality as last season so far is Martha, and her personality (wimpy crying victim) is the most annoying one, dammit!
  • Why does Lana look like a 16th-century brass rubbing? Why is a 16th-century brass-rubbing attacking her? I have so many questions.
  • Back to wimpy Martha. Lois shouldn't wear red. Good boobs though. (Did I mention I'm bisexual these days? I am. Moving on.)
  • HAHAHAHA. I love Lois' reaction to Martha's condolence.
  • "Nerd with glasses"! Okay, I've changed my mind, this episode is all about the screamingly obvious foreshadowing.
  • Lois can't emote or wear red. Bad combo in an actress.
  • "Bird? Plane?" is our new joint winner for cheesiness and foreshadowing. Also, since when do birds turn up on radar?
  • Brid-gette Swans-by has an incredibly slow southern accent. Also, she's the old Lois, she looks just like the new Lois! Is anyone else going to point this out?
  • She's in love with Dr. Swan "in a different lifetime", i.e. the superman movies! God this foreshadowing is a blunt instrument.
  • Oh no, "a mothers' love" takes the prize in a strong field for cheesiest line ever! This gets better and better. Or worse and worse, depending on your point of view.
  • Black kryptonite is totally going to send the fan-boys scurrying for their back-issues
  • Ooh, daddy-Lex has a whole new look, carcinogenic prison inmate! He looks the most like an evil super-villain he ever has
  • Three crystals? Jesus, even more comic-bookery
  • Oh, are they still talking? I totally tuned out of all that plot. Back to new, thinner, sexier Kal-El! Seriously, has he lost weight?
  • He's got a totally new attitude to walking into bright lights these days
  • Lana's looking simultaneously awful and hot at the same time. Boyfriend just looks hot.
  • So black kryptonite has the effect of... of... causing a really obvious metaphor for a moral dilemma and two naked Clarks?
  • Bo wakes up! Celebrations all around then.
  • Hang on, 10 minutes of episodes left and we're already back into everything-is-the-same-as-last-season mode? Oh, fuck that's disappointing.
  • Oh, all this emotional talking is really sickening.
  • So, the insurance is still maxed out. Shouldn't you guys be getting back to the farm? In fact, considering all the major medical incidents the Kents have had in three seasons, their premiums are probably absolutely shocking
  • Totally gratuitous naked Lana footage will last for the next 60 seconds. Hey Lana, cool new tat! Looks like you're a harbinger of doom.
  • Incidentally, isn't Lana a student in Paris, and a penniless orphan one relying on a scholarship for funding? How come she has her own elegantly-appointed studio flat with lots of natural light and big windows?
  • Ah, so that's the next 6 minutes: Lois Lane vs. Daddy-Lex.
  • Where do I know this Lois chick from before? She sounds like that girl from Showgirls. And her hair is the same colour as that girl's now, too. Wasn't she a brunette when this show started? I guess they did need a way to make her look different from old-Lois/Brig-ette.
  • Why is she hitting on Papa Lex? This is very creepy, and she's not acting at all like a reporter. I'm not liking this chick.
  • Talking to gravestones? Way to steal Lana's tactic, Lois
  • 1987? Chloe was born in 1987? God DAMN I feel old. Also, there's no way she was 17, she looked 25.
  • He's wearing red and blue again! And he remembers being naked in front of her? Nice start to this relationship.
  • Her hair is totally the wrong colour for a Lois
  • They hate each other! Yay, I like her again.
  • She's living with him? Okay, that's more than a start. The countdown clock to Clark's first bang has started.
  • Chloe's still alive! I knew that wouldn't last long. I mean, she's still on the website and everything (Pete is waaaay out of the picture)

Hmmm, overall a B+, mainly for the flying. Long-term opinion of Lois still to be determined, I guess they're still playing with the character. Yay for Chloe not actually being dead, but annoying that everything got Back To Series Normal so damn quickly, they could at least have stretched it to a two-parter.

Gosh, that was long. Am I going to do this every episode? It's very fun. I'm going to rewatch the flying sequence a few times now. Also the various naked sequences. In fact, the whole episode minus all the glancing at my screen to type. Having just read the television without pity mini-cap, it seems they agree with my rating. Nice.

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