Life in the bonus round

I've written about my teenage years several times before: about how my childhood shaped my choice of career and how the internet helped me connect with people and how it got better. I've mentioned in passing that I was, as a teenager, depressed and suicidal. But I've never written about how that period changed me in a very specific and important way: I live my life in a bonus round. It's fundamental to the way I think about myself, so I wanted to write it down. Firstly: there is a different between being suicidal and just being a moody teenager. I was the first kind. I had written the notes (lots of them), and I had not just a plan but a backup plan. I also had a specific date: the day before my sixteenth birthday. In the end I didn't do it. That day wasn't too bad, so I didn't think about it that day, and then I'd missed the date. But the intention to do it was so strong, so clear, I had spent so much time imagining exactly how it would go -- the rush of the air, the crunch as my neck hit the concrete --...
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