A squishy machine

Every morning, I brush my teeth to discourage bacteria from growing in my mouth, and eat a yoghurt to encourage them to grow in my gut. I spray anti-perspirant to prevent my armpits getting too wet and eyedrops to prevent my eyes getting too dry. I shampoo my hair to prevent it getting greasy and then apply hair gel.

It seems like there should be an easy way to get these conflicting tendencies to cancel each other out so I don't have to do so much work. Short of periodically sticking my eyes into my armpits.