December! And as my first blog of the festive season, I would like to present a checklist of the elements of my Christmas spirit:

First, let me make it clear that I will not be humming Christmas tunes under my breath, because they are vapid and dull.

I will be exchanging gifts with the people I love, because I like giving them things and Christmas is a good excuse. If you consider yourself a loved one and have not received a gift, please read point 9.

I will not be pretending to like those members of my extended family who make my fists itch, because honesty does not take a break during the vacation.

I will be decorating the tree in shades of green, red and gold with masses of tinsel and buttloads of lights, because I like bright, shiny things all the rest of the year, and Christmas is the one time when tackiness is practically mandatory, and it's not considered overly gay to cover your house in rainbow-coloured lights. However, if you stick said lights to the ceiling of your bedroom and leave them there until June, your parents should take the hint.

I will not be dashing or even trudging through the snow, because I will be in the tropics. Do not weep for me. I will return in January, and my tan will last much longer than that warm rosy glow your cheeks get from it being bloody freezing, which cognitive dissonance leads you to believe is something you love simply because there's no way to avoid it.

If I have anything to say about the matter, I will be stuffing my face on Christmas day with chocolate, candy and turkey stuffing, again mainly because Christmas is a pretty good excuse for something I would be willing to do most of the year.

I will not spend beyond my means. This is a statement that requires careful interpretation in light of my current negative bank balance, but essentially the idea is that the end of December should not see my balance significantly lower than the beginning: thanks for that Christmas money, guys, hope you like the gifts I've bought with it.

I will be making a new year's resolution, because my last two have been really quite successful, to my own great surprise, frankly.

I will not be making additional donations to charities which go out of their way to ask for it. Charities should not be run on a boom-and-bust cycle any more than any other business, and I resent the massive marketing outlay that a Christmas donation campaign usually represents. I have already made the donations to charity I intend to make as part of my Christmas shopping, which I completed today in the second of only two trips on the same weekend. Granted, this was mainly achieved by declaring myself financially incapable of affording gifts for anyone other than family, but I'm quite pleased with what I did get. In return, I do not expect gifts from anyone but family. You heard here first, and if you didn't hear, then you should be reading this more often.

And finally, I will not be giving into the bullshit about taking time to appreciate friends and family at this "special time". I appreciate friends and family all the time, and tell them so. It would be insincere of me to make any special effort just because it's seen as the right thing to do at this time of year.

And there you have it, my Christmas philosophy. Live your lives accordingly. That is all.