Hey, America! Getting a bit chubby? Maybe 1 in 3 of you are obese or something? No problem! Why eat sensibly and get more exercise, when you can just avoid death by heart attack* with your own in-home defibrillator kit! They're not just for restaurants anymore! The low, low price of $2,295 buys you all the peace of mind you can get, without needing to take on any inconvenient responsibility for your own actions. Call now! But not if you're having a heart attack right this second, because delivery can take 6-8 weeks.
* But not the heart attack itself.