Everything I know about upcoming movies I know from downloading two-minute clips from Apple's quicktime trailers site. And trailer-editing is an unsung art: even though a large number of the movies are clearly bombs or not to my taste, it's hard to find a trailer there that isn't entertaining in and of itself. This probably says bad, bad things about my attention span. Nevertheless, taking the practice of judging a book by its cover to the logical extreme, I prevent my reviews, in five words or less, of a selection of upcoming movies.

And no, I didn't watch all of these tonight; that would have taken hours...

Club Dread

Big-budget weekend at Bernie's.

Scooby Doo 2

Do the Doo.

Van Helsing

Wolverine fights the vampires. Yummy.

Boundin'

It's Pixar. It must rock.

Garfield

Inevitable franchise deal.

Cheaper by the Dozen

Young superman's movie debut. Crap.

Catch that Kid

Spy Kids clone. Crap.

Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights

There was no need.

The Incredibles

More joy from Pixar.

Shrek 2

Probably will rock.

21 Grams

Interesting title, stupid movie.

Osama

Documentary, not about Bin Laden.

Kill Bill Volume II

Bring it on!

The Butterfly Effect

Ashton Kutcher tries to act.

Sky Captain and the world of Tomorrow

Kicks nine kinds of ass.

Troy

Just enough Bloom to perform.

Dawn of the Dead

Poor remake of B-movie.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Gamers still like boobs.

Hellboy

Bizarre but maybe cool.

Laws of Attraction

James Bond tries rom-com. Unoriginal.

Elephant

Cute people in disturbing story.

Twisted

By-the-numbers thriller.

Win a date with Tad Hamilton

Sexy versus geeky, no loser!

Eurotrip

Stupid but maybe funny.

The Passion of the Christ

The Ending of the Career

Monster

Heavy going.

Spider-Man 2

Eye-candy and popcorn fun.

The Reckoning

Well-acted and powerful. Avoid.

Spartan

Contrived, unoriginal.

Confessions of a teenage drama queen

Clichéd Disney flick. Not gay.

Touching the void

Overdramatic macho docu-shite.

Intermission

Tedious lock-stock britflick clone.

Son of the Mask

Takes after his dad. Bomb.

The Ladykillers

Shit. (Tom Hanks and Marlon Wayans in the same movie?)

Dust to Glory

Another self-gratifying macho docudrama.

The Return

Worthy drama, in Russian.

Breaking all the Rules

Booty Call 2 meets Stella.

Godzilla

Flogging the dead horse.

King Arthur

Arthur meets Gladiator's FX department.