Posts tagged “self reflection”

As a teenager I planned my own suicide with a specific date. I missed it, and that changed everything. Now I think of my life as a bonus round: the scoreboard is off, I can't win or lose, and everything I do beats the alternative of nothing.

I've always been drawn to boys. Every one of them. The way they move, their features, their smiles. I can't help but notice. It's spring, I'm gay, and this is my rambling love letter to the essence of boy. More valuable than cat pictures. Probably.

A "7 things" meme: what I plan to do before I die, what I can and can't do, what attracts me to men (bonus points for CLI skills), my verbal tics, my celebrity crushes, and seven friends I'm tagging to do the same.

My life only rates 12A, I work in ringtones instead of AI, and my biggest thrill is assembling a bedside table. Volunteers needed to fix at least one of these problems.

I'm sociable, just not in the traditional sense. I prefer communicating with people online while multitasking over aimlessly hanging out in person. My online and offline lives are fully integrated, and I barely distinguish between them. Socializing means communicating, not physically occupying the same space.

Sick at home, so I took a BBC personality test. Turns out I'm a "Big Thinker": outspoken, ideas-focused, tactless, and terrible at follow-through. Basically a "tactless argumentative bastard" who thinks everyone else is unimportant. Sounds about right.

I answer reader questions: my first crush (a Chemistry classmate who helped me realize I was gay), whether I'd streak Trafalgar Square ($30k might convince me), why I'd never move back to Trinidad, my proudest teenage moment, and what motivates me. Spoiler: fantasies of cheering crowds.

Lance Arthur's writing about being closeted and a late bloomer resonates deeply with me. I identify with all of it: the fake persona built from fear, the late puberty, the long showers. Turned out okay in the end. No grand conclusion here, just a tired nod of recognition.

Took a left brain/right brain test and it nailed me: overly methodical, paralyzed by options, constantly trying to categorize everything. Apparently I'm best suited to be a scientist or design consultant. Now if only it told me how to actually fix these tendencies.

Late to post this Friday Five, answering each question with increasing adjectives: my room is big, my coworkers are talented but annoying, web development is creative and amazing, my days are sleepy to engaged, and my ideal life ends with fame, Ian McKellan-style.

I've spent years hiding behind "Seldo," a persona I built at 15 to escape being bullied, closeted, miserable Laurie. It worked brilliantly. Now I'm exhausted by my own invention. I want to stop collecting admirers and start earning understanding. Time to let Laurie grow up.

Had a fantastic birthday weekend in London. Thanks to everyone who came out, though let's be honest, it was mostly about me. As it always is. I may have a problem with that. I don't care.

I'm overwhelmed with projects I never finish and lonely without my uni friends around. I need a boyfriend, but my cycle of infatuation and compromise keeps failing me. I need a gay geek who's cute and likes clubbing. They basically don't exist, hence gaygeeks.org, which I haven't built yet.